So, you think yourself capable of the endurance required to master the doctrines of Sean, Who
Stomps-A-Lot? Ha! You modern-day followers are nothing! Why, you're nothing but uneducated, un-evolved bathtub scum compared
to the dedicated multitudes that hailed Sean (may He Stomp-A-Lot) seven times seven generations ago! You are all a disgrace
to His Supreme Stompingness!
Obviously if you think yourself strong enough to brave these words of Truth, then you had better
have the steel nerves required to face the Trials!
They are as follows:
Trial One: Remove your clothing, walk into your workplace and/or home, and proclaim your undying loyalty to His Most
Sacred and Recognized Holy Ferret Of Unselective Poultry Harvest.
If you have the mettle to withstand this trial, your name is forfeit. From now on, you will be known as Initiate D. There
are three levels - the next two would be U, and M. Initiate D is the lowest level of Initiate, save for the uninitiated masses.
The name by which this level is recognized was ordained by His Stompyness to abbreviate Destitute-of-Mind. Anyone who does
not know what this means should either question their faith in His Stompyness, or just leave now.
Trial Two: To advance further, you must discard every plate and other eating utensil you own, and purchase a dog dish.
In honor of Sean Who Stomps-A-Lot, you must nourish yourself out of this dog dish, and only with bacon bits, chanting the
Holy Mantra: "Norom Etelp'Moc A Ma I" in-between bites. With each bite, you may only hold exactly fifty-two bacon
bits in your mouth, or Magical Pain Fairies from the Government will come, and bludgeon you with angry raccoons. (oh,
it can be done, just ask Fingerless Frank, at Fingerless Frank's Mystery Tacos).
If you have managed to make it thus far, you are now known as Initate U. This is abbreviated for an unknown word in a
language kept very, very secret by very, very secret people. Sshh.
Trial Three: You are hereby required to supply the Holy Order with your Credit Card number, Date of Birth, Social Security
Number, Annual Household Income before taxes, and quantity of ants in your home (all for classification purposes only).
Congratulations, you have surpassed much. But your tasks are not yet complete! No, you must spread the word amongst the
heathens! Go now, Initiate M, (for Missionary) and preach the word! Let them Know! Let them See!
